


Regret and Recovery

by GhostGreenSigns



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 08:47:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3440879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostGreenSigns/pseuds/GhostGreenSigns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean can't sleep he begins to think about all of the things he's disappointed about.<br/>He finds that there are some, involving Cas, that he can fix.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*comments make my world go 'round*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret and Recovery

There were always a lot of things to be disappointed about. 

Every time he passes a house that’s lit up from within and sees a family having a normal dinner he’s disappointed that he lost that. He remembers, very vaguely, tomato soup when he was sick and homemade pie and ‘Hey Jude.’ He remembers his Dad teaching him to throw a ball before, years later, teaching him how to shoot straight. He’s disappointed when he thinks that he won’t have any reason to make tomato soup for anyone, or sing songs that aren’t lullabies in hushed, gentle tones. 

When he sees his brother hunched over books late into the night, looking like the weight of the world rests on his shoulders, he’s disappointed that he took him away from Stanford. Dean thinks that if he could go back he’d leave Sam there. He’d go find Dad on his own and leave his brother out of it. Maybe the demon followed Dean to him and that’s how he found Jess. When they visited the college last month to investigate some strange deaths (ghosts in the wifi, who knew) he saw how Sam looked around. That had been his life, eating in the dining hall with his friends, living in a dorm before moving out with Jess. Sam had made sure not to mention his time at Stanford while they were there but Dean knew he had to miss it. He knew Sam had to be nostalgic for it the same way Dean was for his life before the fire.

He’s disappointed in himself. That list would never end if he started it, so he doesn’t. He never lets himself list out the ways he has failed. Instead he just feels it every time he looks in the mirror, a sense of general disappointment too great to explain.

But out of all of these things, there are a few reasons for disappointment that don’t quite fit.

***

“What’s wrong with your tie?” Dean asks Cas.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s” Dean tries to figure out what he means to say “different.”

“I thought this was how it was meant to look. You fixed it this way all the time.”

“Yeah, it’s just I guess I got used to it the other way.” Dean says, clearing his throat and changing the topic.

***

“Do I smell or something?” Dean asks.

“No?” Cas looks confused by the question.

“Why are you standing so far away?”

“Personal space” Cas looks proud as he replies, like a kid that learned to count to ten being asked to show off his new skill. 

“Well knock it off, I’m trying to show you something and you’re a mile away.”

***

“I understand that reference.”

“Oh.”

***

Dean gets off his bed and makes his way into the kitchen. If he can’t sleep, he might as well eat something and try to find a case. Anything has to be better than thinking about the weird-ass Cas related things he’s disappointed about. 

But there he is, sitting in the kitchen. Dean hesitates at the door.

“Is everything ok?” Cas asks him without turning around. 

“Can’t sleep. You?”

“I don’t really need to sleep.”

“Any reason you picked our kitchen to spend the night in?”

“Sorry, I'll leave.”

Damnit. 

“No, just wondering. Stay, I’m making a sandwich.”

“Is that a customary meal for 2am?”

“Probably not.”

Cas stands across the counter from him, tie fixed, hair laying neatly. 

“Want anything?”

Cas looks at him like he spoke a different language.

“Cas?”

“Yes, I do.”

He’s doing that thing that makes Dean feel like he’s being x-rayed. That’s not how normal people stare, Dean had tried to explain to him before. It’s unnerving, too intense.

“Well?”

His eyes drop, hands on the counter like he is trying to make sure he keeps something in between him and Dean. 

“I’ll have a sandwich too.”

“Well come over here and help me then.”

Cas stands next to Dean, at a respectable distance, plenty of personal space. Dean moves closer to him. 

Some of the things he’s disappointed about can’t be helped. His family will never be normal, they were destined for this from the very beginning. He can’t go back in time to fix what he did to Sam. He wouldn’t even know where to begin to fix himself. 

But there are a few things that he can fix.

He reaches over and loosens Cas’s tie in the same way he always used to straighten it. 

“Want some tomato soup?”


End file.
